Growing Up with Alcoholic Parents: A Guide to Healing

Having a parent who is battling alcoholism has a lifelong impact. Instead, the home becomes a place where stress and chaos constantly unfold. This reality profoundly influences development of the child, creating a specific constellation of problems to be carried into adulthood. If you’re one of millions who have grown up as the adult child of alcoholic parents, you’ll notice a striking similarity in this cycle that impacts your relationships, self-esteem and sense of well-being.

This paper comprises a review of the shared experiences of ACOAs. We’ll address the common characteristics that arise from this history, how those character traits tend to affect relationships and most importantly, what you can do to recover. Knowing the cause is the first step to ending these struggles and creating a healthier, more satisfying life. There is hope, and there is a way to healing and transformation.

Traits of Adult Childrens Of Alcoholics.

Though each family is unique and has their own particularities, research and clinical knowledge have consistently found several commonalities among adult children who were raised with alcoholic parents. These are all survival skills we learnt as kids to survive in an environment that was tough.

Guessing at What Normal Is

Children of alcoholics frequently do not have dependable people to model appropriate behavior. Denial, secrets and erratic parental behavior can distort the family’s sense of reality. As such, those alcoholic family adults frequently end up in new unfamiliar territory, a stable work environment or loving relationship for example, and feeling like an outsider who needs to guess what “normal” looks like. They may be watching everyone all the time to learn how to behave, what they feel and do.

Difficulty with Intimacy and Trust

When a child observes that a parent fails to act reliably, does not keep their promise and is emotionally available in irregular measures, he or she learns not to trust others. This can eventually become, in an adult, a profound fear of being close. ACOAs will often have trust issues, such as fear of abandonment or betrayal. They may keep others at a distance, shy away from emotional vulnerability or self-sabotage relationships in an unconscious attempt to shield themselves from future hurt.

An Overdeveloped Sense of Responsibility

In a lot of alcoholic families, the child becomes a parent in the household, sibling care begins or even caring for an alcoholic parent. This is often described as “parentification.” This position-reversing sense of duty is responsible for this overdeveloped sense of responsibility. As adults, they may feel guilt for the feelings and problems of other people, struggle to say no, and also tend to put others’ needs ahead of their own.

People-Pleasing and Fear of Authority

To survive in an unstable home, children frequently become hyper-vigilant to read moods and anticipate needs in order to minimize conflict. This can grow into an intense people-pleasing tendency as adults. They may be afraid of conflict, have a hard time saying no and always need approval from others, especially authority figures. So can a boss, a professor or anyone in authority, says Dagmar Vitek of Because You Believe In Yourself, and cue the same fear as you felt toward your unpredictable parent.

Black-and-White Thinking

Living in a home with an alcoholic can feel like living life at two extremes—everything is either total chaos or ridiculously calm. This can result in all-or-nothing thinking. Adult children have a hard time accepting that situations, people and themselves are not all good or bad; there is no room for nuance or gray areas. This hard wired mindset can make it tough to navigate the nuances of life and to experience self-compassion.

The Impact on Adult Relationships

The characteristics formed in childhood simply carry over to adult relationships, affecting how friends see us and treat us.

Romantic Relationships

Adult children of alcoholics may unknowingly duplicate their original environment within romantic relationships. They may find themselves attracted to emotionally distant, needy or even turbulent partners, as these dynamics feel familiar. The fear of abandonment may cause them to cling, and the fear of intimacy can lead to then pulling away in a push-pull engagement. They’re also often poor communicators of what they need or how they feel.

Friendships

ACOAs can be, of course, incredibly loyal and supportive friends, however they also find it difficult to develop a deep and genuine sense of connection. They might keep friendships on a superficial level so as to avoid vulnerability, or become too enmeshed, taking on their friends’ problems as their own. Their constant need for approval can make them feel like they have to “earn” their friendships, which eventually leaves them exhausted and resentful.

Family Dynamics

Relationships with the alcoholic parent and their family members are very complex relationships. There are feelings of loyalty, anger and guilt to deal with.” Establishing boundaries with a parent who abuses alcohol is difficult enough, but if there are other family members that enable it, this will only add to the challenge. The pattern of denial and repression can often persist into adulthood, making it hard to connect with the root issues.

Strategies for Healing and Growth

The path to recovery for an adult child of an alcoholic parent is a process of dismantling what you practiced in the past to survive and finding new, more healthy ways of working or not living. It takes patience, self-compassion and a dedication to growth.

Seek Professional Therapy

The right therapy, with a professional who gets addiction and family dynamics, can be life-changing. A therapist can offer you a safe place to explore your painful memories, help you further understand how your experiences as a child shaped you, and teach you new coping strategies. For challenging black-and-white thinking and establishing less toxic thought patterns, CBT is especially effective.

Join a Support Group

Support groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA/ACOA) and Al-Anon give you a group of people who know what it’s like to be in your shoes — because they’ve worn them. William / Get carried away “Spending time with people who ‘get it’ and that you can share your story with is so validating; it transcends the feeling of isolation.” — William wants to be featured on BuzzFeed? These communities offer a structure for recovery and some of the tools to work toward healthier relationships.

Practice Self-Care and Mindfulness

As a child, your needs probably took a back seat. Healing means you have to re-teach yourself how to care for your mind and body. That includes taking care of ourselves in the simplest way — getting enough rest to sleep, for instance, eat well and exercise. Mindfulness and meditation may also be helpful. They are able to help you become more present as you witness the thoughts and feelings without judgement, while reducing some of the hyper-vigilance that has been your norm for so long.

Learn to Set Boundaries

Boundaries are a big deal for ACOAs. It involves getting comfortable with saying “no” without shame, guarding your emotional resources and knowing what you will and won’t tolerate in your relationships. That is so pivotal for you in dealing with your alcoholic parent. Remember, a boundary isn’t about controlling what the other person is doing; it’s about protecting your own peace.

Helpful Resources

Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization (ACA/ACOA): A twelve-step program for people who were raised in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families. The website has meeting finders, literature, and information.

Al-Anon Family Groups: Although generally for the friends and families of currently drinking alcoholics, many ACOAs benefit from their meetings in realizing the family disease of alcoholism.

Books:

• Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz

• The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk

• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

A Future Defined by You

Being raised by alcoholic parents can leave lasting emotional scars, but it doesn’t have to dictate the course of your life. I’m glad you’re seeking to free yourself from those early adaptations that got mine so confused and worked up. The qualities because of them developed in you can be unlearned and replaced with healthier habits. Recovery is a process, not an event, and every step you make towards learning about yourself and your past, represents a step toward the future. Through support, self-compassion and deepening boundary skills, you can break the cycle and create a life of real connection, self-esteem and lasting peace.